Jokes about economists and economics 

• A story of this page was published in the article "Laugher Curve" in Business Week May 8, 1995 issue by William Glasgall 
• Mentioned also among many other papers in the 8/11/1995 San Francisco Chronicle, the 18/12/1995 New York Times, the 7/7/1996 El Espectador, Bogota and appeared on Finnish TV in August 1996
• Cooperation with McGraw-Hill: partly included in an educational software DiscoverEcon.
• Joined NetEc in March 1997

Humor is evolving, now we have a refinement:

 "Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying the opposite thing" is true, but is not strong enough. Better:

 "Economics is the only field in which two people can share a Nobel Prize for saying opposing things." Specifically, Myrdahl and Hayek shared one.

 Roberto Alazar 

 Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

 "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

 "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

 The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

 Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

 Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" 

1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.

---

---

A Trained Economist:
An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.

 told by Tapen Sinha, PhD

 The story is actually told about a non-economist, Danish Nobel prize winner Niels Bohr.

Economics and Mathematics
Economics has gotten so rigorous we've all got rigor mortis.
Presumably said by Kenneth Boulding

A possible correction by Mike: Kenneth Boulding said, "Mathematics brought rigor to Economics. Unfortunately, it also brought mortis." 

Policy Analyst
Economist related joke: Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. 

Why no Nobel Prizes awarded in the other social sciences, sociology, psychology, history, etc.

There is one joke opportunity in Robert Kuttner, The Poverty of Economics, The Atlantic Monthly, Feb 1985, p. 79, which says: "George Stigler Nobel laureate and a leader of Chicago School was asked why there were no Nobel Prizes awarded in the other social sciences, sociology, psichology, history, etc. "Don't worry", Stigler said, "they have already have a Nobel Prize in ...Literature" 

The Mathematical economist:
An economist was standing at the shore of a large lake, surf-casting. It was the middle of winter, and the lake was completely frozen over, but this didn't seem to bother the economist, who stood there patiently casting his lure out across the ice, slowly reeling it in again, then repeating the process.
A mathematical economist came sailing by on an ice boat, and pulled to the shore beside the surf-fishing economist to scoff. "You'll never catch any fish that way," said the mathematical economist. "Jump on my ice-boat and we'll go trawling."

Three econometricians and the deer: 
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a metre to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a metre to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!" 

A mathematician, a theoretical economist, an econometrician and the black cat:
A mathematician, a theoretical economist and an econometrician are asked to find a black cat (who doesn't really exist) in a closed room with the lights off:
- The mathematician gets crazy trying to find a black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room and ends up in a psychiatric hospital.
- The theoretical economist is unable to catch the black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room, but exits the room proudly proclaiming that he can construct a model to describe all his movements with extreme acuracy.
- The econometrician walks securely into the darkened room, spend one hour looking for the black cat that doesn't exist and shouts from inside the room that he has it by the neck." 

Are economists boring?
True story. I'm riding up the elevator at the Boston ASSA meetings a few years back. In the car with me is a woman who works in the hotel. I ask her if economists are really as dull a bunch as they're made out to be. She reposnds that she used to be stationed at the NYC branch of the chain when the meetings were held there and that even the hookers had taken the week off.

 Carlos Bonilla 

Arthur awoke to the sound of argument and went to the bridge. Ford was waving his arms about. "You're crazy Zaphod," he was saying, "Magrathea is a myth fairy story, it's what parents tell their kids about at night if they want them to grow up to be economists, it's..." 

Two economists strolling together:
When two economists are out for a stroll together, how do you identify the Uof C economist? He's the one walking randomly. 

Evolutionary economists:
Heard at the workshop of evolutionary economists at IIASA:
 Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?
A: Too early to say. 

Elevator, supply and Demand:
True story: I was standing with Ken Arrow by a bank of elevators on the ground floor of William James Hall at Harvard. Three elevators passed us on our way to the basement. I foolishly said "I wonder why everybody in the basement wants to go upstairs." He responded, almost instantly: "You're confusing supply with demand."
Curt Monash

Economist poem

          Kenneth E. Boulding

Q. What do economists and computers have in common ??
A. You need to punch information into both of them.

Q. Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea ??
A. If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.

Economists and two yelling women:

Two economists were walking down the street when they noticed two women yelling across the street at each other from their apartment windows.
Of course they will never come to agreement, stated the first economist.
And why is that, inquired his companion,

 Why? of course, because they are arguing from different premises. 

An economist, the cow and the pig:

 A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says. The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. 
In a short time they're awakened by a knock. 
It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal." The chemist says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn. 
The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. 
It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal." So the economist is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep.
But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!

Economists, mathematicians on a trip by train:
Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey mathematicians bought 3 tickets (they could count to three) and economists only one. Mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. Hovewer when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. Conductor noticing that somebody is in the loo knocked on the door and in reply saw a hand with the ticket. He checked it and economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price. 
Next day mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all. When mathematicians saw conductor they went to the loo, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back. Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.

Economists and Assumptions:
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
 Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.' 

Labor economist, children, $100 "grand" and grandchildren
A wealthy labor economist had an urge to have grandchildren. He had two daughters and two sons and none of them had gratified his desire for a grandchild. At the annual family gathering on Thanksgiving Day, he chided them gently to bless his old age with their progeny. "But I haven't given up hope," he said, "Yesterday I went to the bank and set up a one hundred thousand dollar trust fund to be given to the first grandchild that I have. Now we will all bow our heads while I say a prayer of thanks." When he looked up, he and his wife were the only ones at the table. 

 TOP TEN ECONOMIST VALENTINES

10. YOU RAISE MY INTEREST RATE 30 BASIS POINTS WITHOUT A CORRESPONDING DROPOFF IN CONSUMER ENTHUSIASM.

9. DESPITE A DECADE OF INFLATION, I STILL DIG YOUR SUPPLY CURVE 

8. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE REMEASURE OUR CROSS-ELASTICITY 

7. YOU BRING THE BUTTER, I'LL BRING THE GUN 

6. LET'S RAISE HOUSING STARTS TOGETHER 

5. FURTHER STIMULUS COULD RESULT IN UNCONTROLLED EXPANSION 

4. TELL ME WHETHER MY EXPECTATIONS ARE RATIONAL 

3. LET'S ASSUME A RITZY HOTEL ROOM AND A BOTTLE OF DOM 

2. YOU STOCK THE ANIMAL SPIRITS OF MY MARKET 

1. A LOAF OF BREAD, A JUG OF WINE, AND THOU BESIDE ME WATCHING RUKEYSER 

---

Einstein died, AND met three New Zealanders:

When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. 

The first replied 190. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity". 

The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace". 

The third New Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?" (Adapted from Economist June 13th 1992, p. 71). 

---

Could you tell us where we are?

Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are. So they go down to 20 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer. "Could you tell us where we are?"

Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb? 
A1: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb. 
A2: Two. One to assume the existence of latter and one to change the bulb. 

 The above light bulb jokes were mostly stolen from an article in _The_Wharton_Journal_, Feb. 21, 1994, by Selena Maranjian, who undoubtedly pilfered the humor from someone else. Selena also suggested (for you B-school types): 

Q: How many Wharton MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I've also been named to the Wharton Light Bulb list, and am presently a teaching assistant for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time.

Marketing vs. Economics:
True story: The scene is a conference of professors of marketing. The keynote speaker is an eminent economist. 
The chairman, who sees himself as a bit of a wag, says,  "I would like to introduce my eminent colleague and friend. He's an economist, one of those people who turn random numbers into mathematical laws."
The economist, not to be outdone, replies, "My friend, here, is a marketer. They reverse the process."

Economics and urgency
One day a man walked into the main library of a major research univesity. He stopped at the reference 
desk and asked the librarian if she had any current books about economics and the economy.
 She answered that she did, and led the man to the reference shelves where the economics and economy books were.  To the surprise of both the librarian and the man all of the books were off the shelf being used.

 ``That's OK,'' the man said. ``I'll just go to another library. You see, I'm a very busy man, and I set this weekend aside for studying economics and the economy.'' 
The librarian said she understood and gave the man directions to the nearest research library. But her interest piqued, she asked: ``What's so urgent  about your interest in studying economics and the economy?'' 

The man replied: ``I'm an economist. I've been teaching at this university for the past ten years. I'm attending a business meeting on Monday, and I figure the economy has changed in the past ten years.'' 

Economist and a beduffled old man with Alzheimer's? 
Q. What's the difference between an economist and a beduffled old man with Alzheimer's? 
A. The economist is the one with the calculator. 

"Oh, they're adorable," the lady said. "What kind of dogs are they?" 
"These are economists." 
"OK. I'l tell my husband." 

So she went home and told her husband. He was very interested to see the puppies. About a week later he came across the lad; the puppies were very active. 

"Hey, Mister. Want a puppy?" 
"I think my wife spoke with you last week. What kind of dogs are these?" 
"Oh. These are decision analysts." 
"I thought you said last week that they were economists." 
"Yeah, but they've opened their eyes since then." 

Woman economist and the cops
 I was riding my bike down a hill in my city one night and two policemen stopped me at their speed trap. They asked me how fast I was going - 63km - and congratulated me on the accuracy of my speed. They then asked me why I was not driving a car and as I was a woman, wasn't it danegrous to be out at night on a bike. I said I did not drive a car. They then asked me my occupation - I said "an economist". One of the policemen said "That's why she's riding a bike - she's economising" 

When economics rules your life
I knew that economics is ruling my life when 

- I tried to calulate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner
. I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles

 Brita P 

Normative Model
Robert J. BARRO in his 1989 paper in the Journal of Economic Perspectives: 
"A collegue of mine argues that a 'normative' model should be defined as a model that fits the data badly."

Chasing the bandit
 Found in a paper of Anatol RAPOPORT (Scientific American, July 1967) who tells the following joke which he found in 'The Compleat Strategyst' by J. D. Williams: 
"Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal miximum strategy for the chase. 
The other policeman protests. 'While we're doodling,' he points out, 'he is making his getaway.'
'Relax,' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too, don't he?'" 

Nascent Capitalist, Roubles, and chicken feed
+ During the waning days of communism in the Soviet Union, an inspector was charged with visiting local poultry farmers and inquiring about the amount of feed they were giving their chickens. Central planning was still in effect and each farmer was allocated 15 Roubles to spend on chicken feed. 

One farmer very honestly answered that he spent five of the allocated 15 Roubles on chicken feed. The inspector took this to mean that the theiving farmer pocketed the other ten and promptly had him imprisoned.

 Hearing of this through the rumour mill, the next farmer down the road insisted that he spent all 15 Roubles on food for the chickens. The inspector saw this as a case of budget-padding and the farmer as a wasteful opportunist. He too was imprisoned.

 The third farmer heard of both episodes and was more prepared for the inspector's arrival. 
"How many of the 15 Roubles do you actually spend on chicken feed," asked the inspector.

 Like a true nascent capitalist, the farmer threw his hands in the air and answered, "hey! I give 15 Roubles to the chickens. They can eat whatever they want!"

Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
Not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it so he does and collects money.

Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet another shit.
Not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this shit I'll give YOU $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats shit getting the money.

They go on. Not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate shit. I don't see us being better off."

Experienced economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."

Economists, businessmen and women
What's the difference between economists and businessmen: 
Economists don't keep their feet on the ground; Businessmen use economists to keep their four feet in the ground 

 "My Dear, would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
"Well, yes, I guess I would."
"How about $100?"
"What kind of person do you think I am?"

"My Dear, we have already established that. We are merely haggling over the price!"

Tariffs and economy
From Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary: 

Tariff -- A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.  Economy -- Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. 

Woman, doctor and South Dakota
A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The docter advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks: will this cure my illness? Answer of the doctor: No, but the half year will seem pretty long. 

The boy and the frog
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." 
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, 
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.

" The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. 
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." 
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" 
The boy said, "Look, I'm an economist. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." 

Why did God create economists? 
Q:Why did God create economists ? 
A:In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Two economists meet on the street
Two economists meet on the street. One inquires, "How's your wife?" 
The other responds, "Relative to what?" 

In Finnish
Allow me to tell one joke in Finnish... its difficult to translate without loosing the funny point...

K: Miten ekonomi ja ekonomisti eroavat toisistaan?
V: Samalla tavoin kuin alkoholi ja alkoholisti!

 ...and one joke in German as requested...

 Zwei Geraden treffen sich in der Unendlichkeit. Sagt die eine: "Aus dem Weg, sonst leit' ich dich ab!" Antwortet die andere: "Aetsch! Ich bin eine e-Funktion." 

An economist and her phone number
I asked an economist for her phone number....and she gave me an estimate. 

Holding everything constant:

 Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant. 

Conversation between two Dinosaurs:

Dinosaur #1: "How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Dinosaur #2: "What is an economist?"
Dinosaur #1: "A flunkie mathematician who tries to predict the population of kangaroos in Australia. But that's not important and don't ask what a Kangaroo is."
Dinosaur #2: "I don't know, how many?"
Dinosaur #1: "10 economists and one grad student. One economist to make a model, one to run the regression, one to test the hypothesis, one to interpret the results, one to conclude how to screw it on, one grad student to screw it on, and five economists trying to fight off the dinosaurs trying to eat them. 

Economists have forecasted 9 out of the last 5 recessions. 

An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects. 
The astrologer says, "Astrology is more scientific. My predictions come out right half the time. Your's can't even reach that proportion". 
The econometrician replies, "That's because of external shocks. Stars don't have those". 

Socialism, Communism, Fascism, Nazism, Bureaucracy,Capitalism and Cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and give it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. State takes both of them, kill one and spill the milk in system of sewage.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Alternative: A Cowsmic View of World Organization - Cows and Milk
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. 

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. 

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. 

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of a non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to. 

EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. 
So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. 
You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributorship, which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. 
Then you spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going todrive you out of your job.

EASTERN EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. 
You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. 
If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals.
Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and you will buy their meat for a higher price.
But, if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.

FINNISH SOCIALISM: You have two cows. 
Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. 
When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. 
From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. 
The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. 
Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax. 

When an economist says the evidence is "mixed,"
This one I attribute to Richard Thaler, now at the Univ of Chicago.

 When an economist says the evidence is "mixed," he or she means that theory says one thing and data says the opposite. 

From Peter Kennedy's "A Guide to Econometrics" (MIT Press, 1992):

 (P. 7) [Econometrics is...] the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion." 

Economics and Acccounting
True story: 
One day in microeconomics, the professor was writing up the typical "underlying assumptions" in preparation to explain a new model. I turned to my friend and asked, "What would Economics be without assumptions?" He thought for a moment, then replied, "Accounting." 

Just booze, booze and booze
This is a true story:

 Back in the mid-1970s, I attended an ASSA/AEA convention in Dallas. During the third day of the convention, one of the bellhops at the convention hotel asked me who the people attending the convention were and what we did for a living.
"We're economists," I replied. "Why do you ask?"
"I don't know..... no women, no drugs, just booze, booze, booze."

 John Palmer 

Leaving my Husband!
+ A joke from the October 1992 Reader's Digest, the Best Medicine section:

 "I'm thinking of leaving my husband," complained the economist's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be." 

Sunk Costs

+ Q: Why do social workers refuse to sleep with economists?
A: They have learned its a sunk cost. 

Estimates of inflation 
+ Q: Why do Economists provide estimates of inflation to the nearest tenth of a percent?
A: To prove they have a sense of humour. 

Economic statistics are like a bikini
+ "Economic statistics are like a bikini, what they reveal is important, what they conceal is vital"
- Attributed to Professor Sir Frank Holmes, Victoria University, Wellington, New Zealand, 1967. 

Eight foot Wall
+ "An economist is a person who is confronted with a eight foot high wall, and immediately assumes he is ten feet tall."
- Attributed to John Zanetti, Senior Lecturer, Victoria University, Wellington, New Zealand 1971. 

Financial markets
Contagion: A strory demostrating the possible outcomes from interlinkages in the financial markets.

Back during the Solidarity days, I heard that the following joke was being told in Poland: 

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous. 
"What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks. "Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw." 
"But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?" "Well, there'd be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland." "And if the National Bank of Poland fails?" 
"Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow." "And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?" 
"Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union."  "And if that bank fails?" 
"Well, in that case, you'd lose all your money. But, wouldn't it be worth it?" 

Ruling the market
Seven habits that help produce the anything-but-efficient markets that rule the world by Paul Krugman in Fortune.
 

1. Think short term.
2. Be greedy.
3. Believe in the greater fool
4. Run with the herd.
5. Overgeneralize
6. Be trendy
7. Play with other people's money

These deep thoughts of colleague economists were originally collected by Hiroyuki Kawakatsu

How to do research 

Keep the ass to the chair. -James Buchanan

 Everything has been thought of before, but the problem is to think of it again. -Goethe

 Concepts without perceptions are empty; perceptions without concepts are blind. -Kant

 Mathematics has no symbols for confused ideas. -George Stigler

 All models are wrong but some are useful. -George Box

 Far better an approximate answer to the right question, which is often vague, than an exact answer to the wrong question, which can always be made precise.  -J. Tukey

 The paradox is now fully established that the utmost abstractions are the true weapons with which to control our thought of concrete fact. -A. Whitehead

 In the long-run, there's just another short-run. -Abba Lerner

 Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. -Kierkegaard

 Someone once said about partisan analysts that they use economic data the way a drunkard uses a lamppost: for support rather than illumination. Or as Disraeli put it, there are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.  -Paul Krugman

 Theories are testable where they are least needed, and are not testable where they are most needed. -Charles Manski

 If you torture the data long enough, Nature will confess. -Ronald Coase

 There are two things you are better off not watching in the making: sausages and econometric estimates. 
-Edward Leamer

 Doing econometrics is like trying to learn the laws of electricity by playing the radio.  -Guy Orcutt

 Any observed statistical regularity will tend to collapse once pressure is placed upon it for control purposes. -Charles Goodhart

 Time series regression studies give no sign of converging toward the truth. -Phillip Cagan

 Any time series regression containing more than four independent variables results in garbage 
-Zvi Griliches

 Economics Forecasting is like trying to drive a car blindfolded and following directions given by a person who is looking out of the back window  -Anonymous

 Given the choice between Bob Solow and an econometric model to make forecasts, I'd choose Bob Solow; but I'd rather have Bob Solow with an econometric model, than Bob Solow without one -Paul Samuelson

 Keep in mind the three most important aspects of real data analysis: compromise, compromise, and compromise. -Edward Leamer

 The four golden rules of econometrics:
1.Think brilliantly,
2.Be infinitely creative,
3.Be outstandingly lucky,
4.Otherwise, stick to being a theorist 

-David Hendry

Good empirical study
 A good empirical study requires three components: 
1.A concise and sensible theoretical framework that is related to the questions to be asked, 
2.Reasonably good data, and
3.An experiment or an event or a set of circumstances that give the data a chance to answer the questions asked. In short, the model needs to be identifiable from the data at hand. 

-Zvi Griliches

Student 1" 'Do you know what are the two most important degrees in economics?" 
Student 2:"The MSc and the PhD?" 
Student 1:"No, the zeroth and the first!" 

Economist and English Teacher
In explaining why she felt our relationship had problems, a former girlfriend (an English teacher) told me that the problem was that I was so ... so ... reasonable. 

(David Colander) 

Economic Viruses
INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS 
- Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS 
- Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error

POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS 
- Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS 
- Nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.

MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS 
- Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS
- Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.

MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS -
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS 
- Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS 
- Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.

SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS 
- Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're a trillion more dollars in debt.

NEW ECONOMY VIRUS 
- Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.

ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS 
- Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

Sleeping in an Economics Class
A friend of mine was taking a class by Milton Friedman at the U of Chicago, and after a late night studying fell asleep in class. 
This sent Friedman into a little tizzy and he came over and pounded on the table, demanding an answer to a question he had just posed to the class, my friend, shaken but now awake said 
"I'm sorry Professor, I missed the question but the answer is increase the money supply."

What does it take to be a good economist?
 +What does it take to be a good economist? 
An unshakeable grasp of the obvious!

Appreciate Monetarists
" I have come to appreaciate how Monetarists view the holiness of this principle ['Friedman's x% rule'] by watching Friedman advising on the appropriate monetary policy in diverse complex situations and each time coming up, unfailingly, with the same practical answer: 3 percent."
-Franco Modigliani
Contemporary Policy Issues (1988) 6 October

 Introductory lines to his "In the Theory of Capital", XXIV (June 1962), 207-218, Review of Economic Studies.

 We all know what pareto optimal allocation means... What about Jesus-optimal allocation -- when all persons are equally well off, and one person _really_ gets it bad, worse off, while all the rest are much better off... 

Dostojevskij-minimum:
When everyone is so badly off that no-one can be worse off without anyone getting better off. 
(Beware of the second-order condition!)

Getting to heaven
Achieving free trade is like getting to heaven. 
Everyone one wants to get there, but not too soon. 

Value of human capital

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time =Money, we have

Solving for Money, we get:

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done. Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more money you Make.

Economists Brains
A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:

Artists' Brains $9/lb
Philosophers' Brains $12/lb
Scientists' Brains $15/lb
Economists' Brains $19/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted, 
"My, those economists' brains must be popular!" To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many economists you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

 HA! ... It's a *supply side* joke!

Economists and economic index
The Commerce Department has a 46-page application packet for economists to seeking to run its leading economic index, but the packet warns: "the government will evaluate only the first 25 pages of a written proposal."

 The Wall Street Journal, July 21, 1995 

Separiststs
In Canada there is a small radical group that refuses to speak English and no one can understand them. They are called separatists. In this country (USA) we have the same kind of group. They are called economists. 

Nation's Business 

Meaning of Life
An economist was asked about the meaning of life. He replied:
It depends on the parameter values. 

On the third day God created the Economist

On the first day God created the sun - so the Devil countered and created sunburn. On the second day God created sex. In response the Devil created marriage. On the third day God created an economist. This was a tough one for the Devil, but in the end and after a lot of thought he created a second economist!

CHEER February 1993 

Where we crashed last year
Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was , remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back.

 But of course, they killed one each and come sunday, they talked the pilot into letting them bring all three dead moose onboard. So just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said. Where the hell are we?. 
"Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place where we crashed last year."

Never a hang-over!
"Economic man" never gets a hang-over, if he doesn't decide that the advantages of acquiring it exceed the draw-backs. 

The Third Quadrant

Evereybody has a comparative advantage in some respect, provided that performances are not entirely in the third quadrant. 

Where we crashed last year 
"This man is a where we crashed last year.  so we can't show you his friends." 
- Tim Ferguson, DAAS Farewell Tour, 1994 

Personality:
An Economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant. 

A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.

 When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter get it. There a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"

 The central banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

 Three guys decide to play a round of golf: a priest, a psychologist, and an economist.

 They get behind a *very* slow two-some, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on. 
By the 8th hole, the three men are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak, and so on. 
The priest says, "Holy Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again." The psychologist says, "I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly." The economist says, "I realy didnt expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf."

 By the 9th hole, they have had it with slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy says O.K., but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, and that explains their slow play, and would they please not swear and complain so loud.

 The priest is mortified; he says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The psychologist is also mortified; he says, "Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems and I've been complaining about the slow play of two blind men."

 The economist ponders the situation-finally he goes back to the caddy and says, "Listen, the next time could they play at night."

Economist, Phycist and Can-opener..."

A physist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. 
A can of soup washes ashore. The physist says, "Lets smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Lets build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Lets assume that we have a can-opener..."

 Paul Samuelson 

 The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong.

 a) it would be a good thing

 b) they would be more comfortable

 c) they would never reach conclusion

 d) all of the above

 e) none of the above

 f) they would point in different directions

 "Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have picked it up!"

- John Kenneth Galbraith

 - Alan S. Blinder

 Laurence J. Peter 

 Marty Allen

 Dian Cohen

 George Humphrey

 George Bernard Shaw

 John Maynard Keynes

 Winston Churchill

 Henry Becque

 "Are they Spies?" Asked Gorby?

 "They are economists," replies the KGB director, "imagine the havoc they will wreak when we set them loose on the Americans"

 The teacher said to the mathematician's child, "Johnny, how long?" and little Johnny v. said, "One day, teacher."

 The teacher looked at the economist's child and said, "John Maynard, is that right?"

 Little John Maynard said, "Teacher, it all depends."

 "Having a house economist became for many business people something like havinga resident astrologer for the royal court: I don't quite understand what this fellow is saying but there must be something to it." Linden. (Jan. 11, 1993). Dreary Days in the Dismal Science. Forbes. Pp. 68-70. 

 Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

 1. Because he had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. He had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

1) NIH lab assistants become very attached to their rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for an economist.
2) Economists breed faster. 
3) Economists are much cheaper to care for and PETA won't object regardless of the experiment. 
4) There are some things even rats won't do.
However, it is difficult to extrapolate test results to human beings. 

1. Just one, but it really gets screwed. 
2. One to prepare the proposal, an econometrician to run the model, one each MS and PhD students to write the theses and dissertations, two more to prepare the journal article (senior authorship not assigned), four to review it, and at least as many to refine the model and replicate the results. 

 1. Press pretty flowers.
2. Press pretty insects.
3. Use it as paper weight on your already overcluttered desk.
4. Leave out in obvious places to impress uninformed undergraduates.
5. Mail to the White House as an intimidation tactic.
6. Give it a walk-on part in a boring European existentialist play.
7. Just throw the damn thing away.
8. Leave out for the rain and other forces of nature to reckon with.
9. Read it (ha ha ha), and weep.
10. Get a refund from bookstore so you can buy weekend's beer supply. 

A: An offer you can't understand. 

A: Hell, you need a whole department of them just to prepare the research grant. 

 Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." 
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" 
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." 
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?" 
Billy proudly stood up and announced,
1. "Nothing. He's an economist." 
2. "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually an economist. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" 

Mathematics is incomprehensible; economics just doesn't make any sense. 

 GENERAL

 1. Any person with a valid Washington DC hunting license or a Federal Income Tax Return may harvest government economists.
2. Taking of economists with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 
3. Killing of economists with a vehicle is prohibited. If one is accidentally struck, remove the dead economist to side of the road and proceed to the nearest car wash. 
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest economists from limousines, Mercedes Benz's, the Metro, or Porsches.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "research contract" or "I need a policy consultant" for the purpose of trapping economists.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt economists within 100 feet of government buildings. 
7. It shall be unlawful to use decision memos, draft legislation, conference reports, or RFP's to attract economists.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt economists within 200 feet of Senate or House hearing rooms, libraries, whorehouses, massage parlors, special interest group offices, bars, or strip joints.
9. If an economist is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. It will also be a shame. 
10. Stuffed or mounted economists must have a DC Health Department inspection certificate for rabies and vermin. 
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female congressional aid, sheep, legislator, policy maker, bookie, lobbyist, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting economists. 

BAG LIMITS

      1.  Econometrician                                2
      2.  Two-faced Policy Analyst                      1
      3.  Macro Policy Wonk                             4
      4.  Big-mouthed Populist                          2
      5.  Relevant Economist                         EXTINCT
      6.  Cut-throat Administration Seeker              2
      7.  Back-stabbing Senior Author                   2
      8.  Brown-nosed Deputy Kisser                     2
      9.  Silver-tongued Congressional Consultant  $100 BOUNTY
     10.  Wise-assed Civil Libertarian                  7
     11.  Staff economist                           no limit

 Jokes about lawyers, blondes and many others can be found for example from various Humor Archives. Other resources for economists and theoretical musings are also available. But the one and only economist jokes page is this! Beware of imitations.